Funny Quotes And Jokes

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How to sleep faster: decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.

• ·         Dear parents: we know money doesn’t grow on trees that’s why we are asking you for it.
  ·         I’m not stalker. I am an unpaid private investigator.
  ·         I have a date tonight, with my bed. We are totally gonna sleep together.
  ·         Instead of single as a marital status, it should read independently, owned and operated.
  ·         Congratulations. You are the 100^thperson to view my status. To see your prize please click “Contral+W”
  ·         Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea. It does not enhance your performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.. LOLZ
  ·         I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
  ·         Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

  ·         Question of the Day: When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, are not you a waiter?

  ·         Death is God’s way to saying you are fired. Suicide is humans way of saying, I Quit.

  ·         My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at wok has ever mentioned it. LOLZ

  ·         There are only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors and Patients:

  ·         Boyfriend: do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: its sufficient for me but how will you survive?

  ·         I don’t always lose my phone but when I do its always on silent:

  ·         We love Facebook but we hate the face of book.

  ·         Dear math, I am therapist so solve your own problems.

  ·         Today’s joke! A girl said …. Trust me.

  ·         The 3 fastest means of communication: telephone, television and tell a woman.

  ·         I am not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I am a robot.

  ·         You wanna see a perfect relationship? Watch a movie. Lolz

  ·         Dear Facebook, Just wait. One day they will leave you too. Sincerely, ORKUT

  ·         Men are like buses. One comes every 15 minutes.

  ·         The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

  ·         My Wi-Fi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are.

  ·         Insert coin to view my status messages.

  ·         Did anyone ever notice that “Studying” is a mixture of Study and Dying?

  ·         Perfect boyfriend: Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also does not exist:

  ·         Facebook is the second most popular work that start with F and End with K:

  ·         You don’t realize how many clothes you have, until you wash them.

  ·         Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new once to make.

  ·         You have lot of curves and I have no brakes.

  ·         I have not slept for then days, because that would be too long.

  ·         Bitch also stand for beautiful, intelligent, talented and charming human being.

  ·         Why do you think I SMS you? Is it because I care? Or I miss you? Or I love you? Or I need you? No! its because I need a person for just time passL

  ·         It at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!

  ·         I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it.

  ·         The secret of happy marriage remains a secret.

  ·         Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking.

  ·         I don’t understand how super Mario can smash blocks with his head but dies when he touches a turtle.

  ·         A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

  ·         Taking revenge is wrong.. very very wrong.. but very very fun.

  ·         Bachelors should be heavily taxed., its not fair that some men should be happier than others.

  ·         A hot secretary came angrily out of boss cabin. Her colleague asked: what happened? You went inside in a happy mood. She replied: he asked me are you free tonight? I said absolutely free. That bastard gave me 45 pages to type!

  ·         They say that alcohol kills slowly. So What? Who’s in a hurry?

  ·         Hey, you have eyes, I have eyes, we have a lot in common!

  ·         Men are like parking spaces: The good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

  ·         You cant put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

  ·         Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

  ·         I Promised my friends that I wouldn’t date bad girls anymore.

  ·         I heard you took an IQ test and they said you are results were negative.

  ·         Save a horse, ride a cowboy.

  ·         Please help the homeless. Take me home with you,.

  ·         My parents told me: “you have got to stop watching so much TV, and read more! So I turned on the subtitles.

  ·         Insert coin to view my status message.

  ·         If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

  ·         I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his WI-FI internet.

  ·         Its funny when people discuss love Marriage Vs Arranged. Its like asking someone if suicide is better or being murdered.

  ·         Ladies first, Pretty ladies sonner. J

  ·         Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband,

  ·         I want you to have a candle-lit dinner and say those magical three words to you… “Pay The Bill”

  ·         My friends wants to know if you think I am hot.

  ·         Can I buy you drink, or do you just want the money?

  ·         Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?

  ·         Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

  ·         Worrying works: 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

  ·         Never get into fights with ugly people they have nothing to lose.

  ·         God must love stupid people.. He made so many.

  ·         Politicians and Diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

  ·         If Facebook is like dating, then twitter is like a one night stand – its fun while you are doing it, you finish in like 5 minutes, and you feel real cheap afterwards.

  ·         Lary is wondering if they could invent a self-cleaning over, why can’t they invent a self-cleaning house?

  ·         If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?

  ·         Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

  ·         Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting the cell with you, laughing about how awesome that just was.

  ·         I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.

  ·         Facebook, because time is not going to kill itself.

  ·         Just finished deleting some friends on Facebook. If you can read this then you got lucky.

  ·         Is there a rehab for Facebook addiction?

  ·         Stealing other people’s statuses on Facebook is called Facelift.

  ·         I never get mad when I see my ex with someone else because I was always taught to recycle my old trash.

  ·         I had my DNA analyzed. It came back four main components. Bacon, Chocolate, Coffee & Crazy.

  ·         I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life. If I die next Tuesday.

  ·         When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

  ·         Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

  ·          When someone adds me as a friend on Facebook, the first thing I do is go through all their pictures.

  ·         Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots.

  ·         Bad decisions make good stories. No wonder people find me so entertaining.

  ·         I hate when my mind wont shut up when I am trying to sleep..

  ·         If there is no chocolate in heaven… I am not going..

  ·         Dear smartphones, why cant you charge yourself? Sincerely, you are not so smart after all.

  ·         If you want to commit suicide.. you should jump down from your ego your IQ.

  ·         It used to be, can I have you number? Now its, Do you have facebook?

  ·         Just found out that if you hold Ctrl and W for 10 second it turns your Facebook page from blue to Red.

  ·         I think all woman can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account.

  ·         Tired of everyone talking about their feelings on Facebook LOL…

  ·         You don’t have to like me, I am not a Facebook status.

  ·         Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet..

  ·         If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

  ·         Finally found out that the plant I have been watering is not real.

  ·         One of my mom’s rules growing up was never to write on walls, well apparently Facebook doesn’t have that rule.

  ·         Ah Facebook, where it is socially acceptable to talk to a wall..

  ·         If someone throws a rock at you , throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..

  ·         Laziness is my middle name..

  ·         Dear ceiling fan. If you could hold my weight, I would never be bored again sincerely, bored.

  ·         Between Facebook texting, tweeting and email, I have not spoken a word in the last 3 years.

  ·         Men are like BLUTOOTH connection, when UR beside them they stay connected  but when you away they search for new devices,

  ·         When you really want to slap someone do it and say “mosquito”

  ·         Your time, energy and love is precious make sure that it is not wasted and preciously invested when dating.

  ·         Its just Facebook I wish people would keep it real and stop frontin.

  ·         A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I am afraid of widths.

  ·         You don’t have to like me, I am not a Facebook status.

  ·         I wish I could Google “things to eat in my fridge so I would not have to do downstairs and be disappointed”

  ·         Facebook is like Jail.. you sit around and waste time, write on walls and get poked by people you don’t know.

  ·         If people have a problem with you, always remember, it is their problem..

  ·         Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.

  ·         The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and second half by our children.

  ·         Vote up vote down my Facebook wall is broken.

  ·         All work and no Play will make you manager.

  ·         If you try and don’t succeed cheat repeat until caught.. Then lie.